What Is a Safe Word?

Stop. No. I don’t want to! Help!  In daily life, those words are alarms.  You use them, telling someone you don’t like something,  you want to end it or stop it, as it were. We use them without thinking. It’s how we automatically say to someone that we are not happy or don’t want to engage in a certain kind of play or behavior.

It’s how we alert one another to something being wrong or to the fact that we are, in general, being pushed to do something we do not want to do. But they don’t work in BDSM.  Because of the nature of many fetishes, the play becomes something where the submissive might say, “no,” but mean, “yes.”  At the same time, do not confuse this with rape or anything that is truly not consensual.

BDSM Play Is Different

BDSM play is always to be done between 2 consenting adults. Adults who know the nature of the games and have joined into a partnership where one is the submissive partner and one the Dominant partner. This submissive has chosen to take part in any fetish play that occurs. Further, they set up boundaries ahead of time.  Everyone understands the other’s wants and needs and makes sure that they are all on the same page, so to speak.

Limits are set initially by the submissive. Be they soft or hard limits, a Domme will only push just so far. This is why a D/s negotiation and the need for everyone to be upfront in the discussion is necessary. These limits, and a “safe word,” protect the partners, ensuring enjoyable play for all.

So, what is a “safe word” in BDSM terms? Well it’s a word, chosen before play begins, by one of the partners, normally the submissive. It is typically a word that you wouldn’t hear during BDSM play.  Also, one that is easy for the submissive to both remember and say. The point is to give them an out at any time during the fetish games.

A “safe word” lets the Dominant partner know that the submissive wants to stop.  Or that the Dominant pushed a boundary too far and made the submissive uncomfortable with what is happening. This is essential to any and all legitimate BDSM play. All parties engaging in the fetish must take it seriously and respect it. It makes play safe, sane and consensual. Many Dommes will not even engage in any kind of sensual, erotic or more hardcore play with a submissive who does not choose a safe word. This is the ethical practice.  Observe it at all times.

What Is a Safe Word and What Word Should You Choose?

When choosing a safe word, you must pick something that can be said and remembered without any degree of difficulty by the submissive. This would seem to be a simple task. As I told you earlier, we all respond to words like, “no,” or, “stop,” when we hear them. We know they register a level of unhappiness with a situation and it would seem that either, or one of the many variations, would be a perfect choice for the submissive.

This isn’t the case, though. Due to the nature of a fetish, in many cases, a submissive says, “no,” just to be in the moment with the ongoing scene.  Submissive partners often enjoy feeling as though they are being made to submit to a Domme and not that they have previously agreed. To keep the excitement there for them, a Dominant partner will ignore pleas to stop or pronouncements of, “no,” or, “I don’t want to!” as they are part of the game. Consequently, this makes these words useless as safe words.

Something Simple, Something Easy, Something Unrelated

Instead, choose something simple, like orange or purple. Or even cat or tree. Something that would not slip out accidentally, but also something easy to say. This word will stop all play immediately, so you wouldn’t want to choose something like, “hot,” as a submissive might use that word for other purposes in the BDSM play. You want to only pick something that would be clear, to both parties, did not belong.

This ensures that no one is confused as to what is meant. If, in the middle of an erotic spanking, a submissive partner says, “tree,” there is no way that word fits. It would be a cue to the Dominant to stop immediately. You can see why a safe word is important and necessary for consensual, sane and safe BDSM play.